can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
