Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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