my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
