How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
