If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im part way to drunk.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize