My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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