she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
They took my balls.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
