It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize