I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
