Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
