i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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