My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
