my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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