he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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