you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
