Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
