I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
