I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
