Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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