Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
