woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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