I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
