I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
