my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
