Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
