I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
