Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
