Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
