Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
