gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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