Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
