Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My liver just had a heart attack.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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