Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
