Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
