Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
