my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize