i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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