he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
