Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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