awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
