yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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