I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
