Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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