This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize