There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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