Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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