Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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