Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
