3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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