remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
