i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
