I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
