YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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