Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
