right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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