dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
