I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
