My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
