I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
