the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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