my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
