i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
