wrigley field is MILF paradise
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
