hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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