Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
