Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
